August 24, 2003

Microsoft seeks law to retroactively ban Finnish immigration

- by David "cdlu" Graham -

In his latest attempt to quell the Linux uprising, Microsoft mastermind Bill Gates has pledged over $2,500,000.00 to George Bush's 2004 election campaign if he
passes a law that bans anyone born in Finland from working in the United States, and condemns all existing Finnish natives living in the US to Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba's Camp X-ray, where they are to be collectively punished for the un-American ways of one unidentified resident Finn.

A Finnish citizen working in the U.S., who we will call "Linut" to preserve his anonymity, says he does not believe this effort is directed at him.

"I'm just here having fun working on my pet project," said Linut in a telephone interview earlier today from his office at the Open Source Development Lab.

Gates says his efforts will help maintain the purity of yesterday's software industry. "The software industry is finished with these scandalous Scandinavians,"
he told a business audience in Seattle last Friday. Gates continued, "They are destroying the very fabric of American life - profits, theft, abuse, and slander!"
which was greeted with thunderous applause from the audience of more than a dozen executives.

George Bush, for his part, said that the banning of all Finns from the United States was an excellent and patriotic idea worthy of little study and quick,
thoughtless execution. At least, that's what we think he said.

France's Jaques Chirac reacted this afternoon, saying that this effort would be a boost to his country's software industry, but suggested that the banning of all
Finns from the United States would require a United Nations Security Council resolution before it could be carried out.

Finnish Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen's office released a statement last night that all Finland's remaining software contracts with Microsoft would be cancelled
if this effort went through.

President Bush has ordered the Microsoft Windows-operated USS Yorktown to the North Sea to await further instructions.

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has been dispatched to Finland to offer inexpensive software deals to the Finnish government.

Linut, meanwhile, says he is not un-American. "It used to be illegal to profiteer in the United States," he said, "who is the criminal?"

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