Web review: the Internet makes you stupid

– by Tina Gasperson –
OK. I’ve been using the word “stupid” a lot lately. But this time, I copied directly from the Web site — these are not my words. Mind you, they could be, but they’re not.
Somethingawful.com is slapstick high-tech low-brow humor that will make you laugh, especially if you drink a beer or two just before you visit.

In a front page rant about space colonization, Kevin “Fragmaster” Bowen writes, “What I’m trying to say is Star Trek is basically just propaganda designed by NASA to get people all
excited about the prospect of launching themselves into space. Fortunately, I’m smart enough to see
through their clever ruse.”

And from another piece about John Travolta: “After making “Look Who’s Talking Now,” a movie which completed a trilogy of films which starred scary,
doughy babies that used their telepathic powers to make lousy jokes, you would think John Travolta
would realize his time in the sun was pretty much over and it was time to disco himself down to the
retirement home for some Saturday Night Beaver.”

OK.

After that, I just had to click on the picture of the cute kitten, snuggled in a little girl’s arms, with the face of an angry, snarling cat pasted in the lower left corner, with the caption: “Cliff Yablonski Hates You”

This Yablonski guy sounds just like Captain Zap. Maybe he’s Captain Zap’s dad. Or maybe Captain Zap was reading this page right before he gave his presentation at the Computer and Technology Showcase last week. Yablonski makes it clear that we’re all morons:

“I have never met you before, but I hate you regardless. If I met you in public, I’d still hate you. I probably wouldn’t hate you any more than how much I
currently hate you, because I don’t think that would be humanly possible. I would probably punch you in the face though.”

Apparently, Yablonski’s m.o. is to collect strange portraits off the ‘Net and write blistering captions to go with them. Dude is obviously not afraid of lawsuits. This might have been funny if I didn’t feel so sorry for the targets of his insults. OK, some of them I didn’t feel sorry for. There are hundreds, yes, hundreds, of pages of photos and funny captions.

“El Pinto Grande’s School of Hard Holds!!”

Next, we have a Latino wrestler who types with an accent and describes his exploits on the mat:

“Oh friends the pain is gigantic. This pain is bigger than ten
giant turtles from Agua Park and I am thinking his fists are
made out of super hot peppers because they burn so much to my chest and groin. I am not to give up still, I am
not an easy drink to put down!”

Yes.

“Ed Baker’s Homepage on the Internet”

Ed is a fellow Christian, though it’s obvious he’s achieved some higher plane of consciousness than I. Not much to see here, and God Himself forbid if you should click on a bad link, since the 404 page for Somethingawful.com is, well, awful. But Ed did scan in one of his tracts for our viewing pleasure, entitled “A Party With Satan.” It’s a classic.

“ICQ Transcript: “eNetiConAppliance Online”

There is much more at Somethingawful.com to be amused by, to be horrified by, to laugh at, to sneer at. I bring you one last example. Have you ever toyed with a telemarketer who called to sell you something you don’t want and don’t need? This is the online version of that. Here’s an excerpt (StaceY is the spammistress):

StaceY — It locks up your browser?? what Browser are You using??

Lowtax — Hey Stacey, how can I get a Mastercard with NO credit check from your website like it says? I mean, what if I just
robbed a bank and then I bought a bunch of shit on credit but never paid the bills because I spent all my stolen money on bail for
the bank robbery hearing? Are you a lawyer? Or are you guys just really trusting of other people?

Lowtax — Like do I have to sign a form that says “I PROMISE TO PAY MY BILLS” and then I have to sign another form that says “I
PROMISE I JUST SIGNED MY REAL NAME ON THE OTHER FORM” and then there’s a third form about God only knows what. I’m
liking this free credit car thing less and less Stacey, and I’m not afraid to take it out on you.

StaceY — They’re just partners with us : ) But its a good deal so you should check it out!!

Lowtax — Stacey we just covered this. I clicked on your little “commit a crime and use our card” link and the lights in my house
went out and all hell broke loose and frankly I think I lost a tooth in the mayhem. Your link doesn’t work on my browser!

StaceY — What Browser Are You Using???

Lowtax — Dammit Stacey, I don’t have a browser!!!!!! I’m using an eNetiConAppliance! The toaster model!

StaceY — What is that??

So, there it is, defying a clear explanation. Go, tie a rope around your waist and find your own way at Somethingawful.com.