June 29, 2004

Senate outlaws common technologies used for nefarious purposes

Author: Mary E. Tyler

Today, according to a fictional press release we just received, the U.S. Senate has introduced a bill banning the following items: whetstones, car wax, permanent markers, and MP3 player cases in their continuing fight against copyright infringement.

As we all know, whetstones can be used to sharpen knives, and well, knives can be used to open the shrink wrap on CD cases in preparation to the act of music piracy. "Whetstones are a prime contributary (sic) cause of music piracy in the US today," said Senate majority leader Thom Dasher (R-Mars). "We have to restrain the technology before it puts the valuable American intellectual property industry on the rocks. Once there are no whetstones, there will be no more opening CDs, ergo, no piracy. Blunt knives, see?" When asked if people wouldn't just sharpen their knives with other abrasives, Dasher had no comment, but an eerie light appeared in his eyes and he wandered off muttering, "Abrasives, hmmm...."

Car wax helps keep pickup trucks in shiny working order, and pickups can be used to carry (and play!) pirated CDs burned by the unscrupulous. Lawmakers are now targeting makers of products which contribute to pickup users using their trucks to carry such contraband. "I tune my truck... dad near ever week," says pickup owner Billy-Lloyd George of Nawfuk News, Virginia. "Without my tuneup kit, I reckon I'd just have to junk ol' Betsy."

Once they finish targeting car wax, lawmakers plan to attack other contributory technologies: vinyl textiles (seats), truck dealers, and "the criminals who make those springy things you exercise your hands with," elucidates Majority leader Bill First-Ask-Later (D-Uranus). "You can use those to practice gripping the stick shift They contribute to infringement by thousands of people. I feel strongly that they should be outlawed. Those thingies are dangerous!"

Permanent markers with sharp tips can be used to jot down protected lyrics and label pirate CDs. They must go, according to Dasher and First-Ask-Later. The U.S. Justice Department is reportedly preparing a companion suit against major retailers of permanent markers, including market leaders Hallmart and Tarjhay.

And of course, we all remember the iPod Murder. Hey it was a hoax, but who cares! They should be outlawed because they make murders like this probable. "Those little players are killers and our Senate is going to take care of the threat by making it real darn hard to use one, legally or illegally," said a record company executive who refused to be named. "I said to Senator Dasher just the other day, 'Remember, the next time you pick up a common household item, it could be used for nefarious purposes!'"

"We applaud the Senate," said RIAA spokesperson Hilarious Rosinbag. "They are finally taking the plight of musicians everywhere seriously." Unnamed record company executives seemed elated that profits would be rising precipitously, at least 35%, allowing them to pass on another hundredth of a percent of the profits to artists and musicians.

(Said artists and musicians could not be reached for comment as most of them were late for their day jobs.)

The Senate should be commended for their courageous stand against whetstones, detailing kits, permanent markers, and MP3 player cases. By scapegoating technology and rolling back progress to guard against common household items which just might be used to facilitate infringement, we become a freer and better nation.

"Who cares what SCotUS says," chortled Senator First-Ask-Later. "If it contributes to infringement, we should stamp it out. Those manufacturers have responsibilities even if they can't control how their technology will be used. This is America, we can do this kind of thing when money talks.

"The business of America is business, you know. The next thing we're going to work on is changing the motto on money. Next year it'll read, 'In God we trust, all others must pay royalties.'"

Category:

  • Humor
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